[progressally_objectives]
Nonviolent communication (NVC) “is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions…. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as to others — NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.”
Marshall Rosenberg, Founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Did you ever say that as a child? I’m sure Freud would describe that phrase as a classic defense mechanism. Our words are powerful — they can heal and uplift, or they can wound and destroy. Sometimes they do far more damage than sticks and stones.
The late Marshall Rosenberg developed nonviolent communication (NVC) as a method to cultivate compassion and healing. He described it as nonviolent in the way that Gandhi spoke of nonviolence — “to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.” Rosenberg won many international awards for his work, and taught NVC principles in such varied settings as classrooms, hospitals, and prisons, and even to Middle East peace negotiators!
Nonviolent communication is based on the premise that everything we say and do is a way to fulfill a fundamental human need. These basic human needs include connection, meaning, play, honesty, autonomy, physical well-being, and peace. (You can find a more detailed list on the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website). NVC recognizes that, at the most basic level, as human beings we all want the same things.
I believe NVC has an important role as part of a mindfulness practice. It teaches us to see our common humanity, rather than the things that divide us. It teaches us to truly pay attention to the feelings and needs of others — and ourselves. It allows us to connect with others with empathy, and to jointly create solutions to problems, rather than trying to “win” arguments or force compliance.
And, as you will see, mindfulness provides the foundation for applying the nonviolent communication process.
There are four components to nonviolent communication:
1. Observations
This is where our mindfulness practice comes in so handy! When we are communicating with another person, can we observe the conversation just as a video camera would? This is essential to creating a shared reality with the other person. We want to make statements that are observations, not judgments. For example, “You are inconsiderate” is a judgment. “You arrived to the meeting 10 minutes late” is an observation. And consider how differently the conversation will proceed when you use the latter statement!
By focusing just on observations, it’s more likely the person will be able to engage with us and not jump to immediately being defensive. They will be more willing to listen to how their being late impacted us, and to listen to our feelings and needs.
In a way, this is about avoiding some of the mind traps we talked about last week. We probably want to avoid words like never and always, because they get us away from discussing the matter at hand. When we make observations, the person can readily recall the specific incident.
2. Feelings
We’ve spent a lot of time on these, too, haven’t we?!
After we’ve made an observation, we can share how we are feeling. We want to be careful to identify a genuine feeling (an inner experience) as opposed to an interpretation of the other person’s actions. For example, “I feel neglected when you don’t arrive on time” is our feeling; “I feel that you don’t care about me” is an interpretation of the other person’s feelings.
NVC also involves taking responsibility for our feelings. We are feeling something because of our own needs (see below), and not because of the other person. You can find a pretty extensive list here of different feelings (organized into two categories — how we feel when our needs are met, and how we feel when our needs are not met).
3. Needs
In this next step, we go a bit deeper. Just as we’ve done as we explore our mental and physical sensations, we explore what needs (met or unmet) are causing this feeling. In the example I have been using, maybe it is our need for meaning or connection. We need to feel that we matter or are connected to this person, and when they show up 10 minutes late for an important meeting, that need is not met.
If we can express our feelings to the other person in this way, we tap into our shared humanity. Our tardy friend also has needs for meaning and connection, and can likely now empathize with how we feel, for she has likely felt the same way at some point. We have now connected with this person on a fundamentally human level. And once we’ve dropped below the initial cause of our friction, we can explore, together, alternative strategies for meeting this need.
4. Requests
Now we can make a request of the other person, understanding that a request is not a demand. With a request, we must accept that the other person might say “no.”
A request should be specific (“Would you be willing to arrive on time to our next meeting”) as opposed to vague (“I want you to be more considerate.”) It should focus on what the person should DO (e.g., arrive on time) as opposed to what they shouldn’t do (e.g., “don’t be late.”)
If the person says no, it means there is a need of theirs that is not being met by agreeing to our request. We may need more information. We may need to do a little guess work here, or just straight-up ask, “Is there something that’s preventing you from arriving to the meetings by 8am?” Perhaps the meeting times need to be adjusted; the spirit of nonviolent communication is that we shift from making demands to jointly creating a solution that honors everyone’s needs.
I strongly encourage you to “test” this technique in the upcoming days, perhaps in an interaction with your spouse or your children or a colleague. Bring your mindful awareness to the act of conversation, paying attention to your feelings and needs. Pay attention to your words — are you making observations or judgments? Are you demanding or requesting?
Many of these suggestions above are probably not “revolutionary.” They’re probably all things you’ve heard before. The thing to ask yourself is, “Do I do them?”
Bruce Lee once said,
“Under duress, we don’t rise to our expectations, we fall to our level of training.”
With everything we’ve learned in this course — paying attention, responding but not reacting, cultivating emotional awareness — we must practice and train. We do it when it’s easy, when the house is quiet or when it’s a small disagreement with a friend, so that when we are under duress, we can rise to our expectations and act with compassion and dignity.