How to Meditate

[progressally_objectives]

One of the most frequent questions I am asked is, “What do I actually DO when I meditate?”

I think part of why people always ask this question is because meditation stock photos make it look like meditation is going to be AMAZING and FULL OF INSIGHTS AND EPIPHANIES and MY CHAKRAS ARE EXPLODING OUT OF MY HEAD and I AM SO BLISSED OUT RIGHT NOW THE SUN SHINES DIRECTLY UPON ME IN THIS GORGEOUS OPEN FIELD.

(That’s why I chose the picture of boring office man meditating above. Though who sits on top of their desk to meditate?)

So we try meditation for the first time: we sit in silence… and realize it’s kind of boring… and then because we’re bored our mind looks for some stimulation and we think about things like did I forget Aunt Josey’s birthday last week? And then we realize we’re thinking about something and then we try to focus on our breath and then our mind wanders again and we think man, I suck at this…

Guess what? That’s meditation! It’s often not very glamorous. You might think you’re doing it wrong. (Hint: you’re not).

So here’s what you can do…

[Before beginning a meditation practice, it may be helpful to identify a special place where you will meditate – perhaps a corner of your room, or a special area of your house (or a wide open meadow with sunflowers and gorgeous fluffy dandelions, if you have one available ). You can read this article on my blog about creating a meditation space in your home.]

 

You’ll also want to get your pillow, or blankets, ready, and any other items you’d like. (I like to light a scented candle for each meditation session).

I always set a timer when I meditate – there are many basic meditation apps that are free. Some of my favorites are the Insight Timer, Headspace (starts with a free trial), or Smiling Mind (designed for kids, but grownups might like it, too!).

If you’re just starting your practice, set your timer to 5 minutes.

My Simple, 5-Step Guide to Meditation

* You may want to listen to the audio meditation for this week — click here to access it.

1. Take a deep breath, and bring your attention to your posture. If you are seated, you want to be upright, but not rigid, in a dignified posture. Imagine you are sitting against a tree, or a wall. Think of your head as resting comfortably on the top of your spine. As you take these first deep breaths, bring your awareness to your physical body – you’ve probably spent most of your day in your head, so take a moment to ground yourself in your body.

2. Bring your attention to your anchor (see below) – to the breath (in the nose, chest, or abdomen), to the body, or to the sounds in the room. You don’t need to control your breathing, just as you don’t need to control the sounds in the room. Let your breath breathe itself. Let the sounds come to YOU, rather than actively trying to hear them.

3. If your anchor is the breath, you may find it helpful to count the breaths. Count to 10, and then start over. You likely will find your mind wandering well before you get to 10 – that’s okay! If you notice your mind has wandered away, just bring your attention back to your anchor, and start again at 1. And again…

4. This is when your mind will go nuts. You’re gonna start thinking about dinner … and whether bees know they’re going to die when they sting you … and who you need to be following on Twitter … THIS IS NORMAL. It’s what I call the cognitive vomit of the mind. Don’t try to stop the thoughts. Just notice them. Think of it as eavesdropping on the mind.

5. When the bell or timer rings, take three more deep breaths. Notice the state of your mind and body now, compared to before you began your meditation session. Notice what thoughts or emotions came up during your practice. You may find it helpful to journal afterwards about your experience.

That’s it! Simple, but not easy. It might look boring from the outside, but this is POWERFUL MENTAL TRAINING! Each time you bring your attention back to your anchor, you are strengthening your mind’s ability to concentrate. You’re building greater awareness of your body, your mind, and your emotions. You’re strengthening the neural pathways in your brain for paying attention. The sun may not be shining out of your head, but you’re doing brilliant work!

Creating a Mindfulness and Meditation Plan

People always ask me, “When is the best time of day to meditate?”

Here’s the answer:

The best time of day to meditate is the time of day that YOU will meditate!

For me, it’s first thing in the morning. For you, it might be at lunchtime or after the kids are in bed or right before you go to sleep. Pick a time of day that works for your schedule, and when you can remain alert.

I like mornings because it’s a nice ritual to wake up in my quiet house, pour some coffee, light a candle, and sit in the peaceful darkness. I also like that the first thing I do in the day is for ME, and I don’t need to worry during the day about when I can find time to meditate. I find I am too tired in the afternoon and evenings. But those times may work for you.

I’ll say this many times in this course, but you are your own best teacher. Listen to what’s right for YOU. I will recommend, however, that you try to stick to a consistent routine — if you choose mornings, try to make it every morning. It’s hard for us to get into any kind of habit, whether it’s meditating or brushing our teeth, if we are not consistent.

In Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit, he provides excellent advice for establishing new habits and making them stick. The key is understanding the habit loop:

cue —> behavior —> reward

You’ll be more likely to maintain your habit if the cue is an everyday event (getting out of bed, sitting down at your desk at lunchtime, tucking the kids into bed, or brushing your teeth before bed). You want that cue, or trigger, to signal to you that it’s time to meditate (behavior). Each time the habit loop happens, you lay down neural pathways in the brain for that behavior. The more you do it, the more ingrained the behavior becomes.

Then you can get to the point where every time you brush your teeth at night (for example), you know it’s time to meditate and you just go do it. It becomes part of your routine.

When you’re starting, you may want to find an external reward to complete the habit loop — perhaps a cup of coffee, or a few minutes on Facebook? Eventually, you’ll likely find that meditation itself becomes its own reward, but it helps to start with something a bit more tangible. Mindfulness teacher Shinzen Young writes,

“Researchers in the field of positive psychology have shown that a highly focused state is per se rewarding even if what’s focused on is not intrinsically interesting or pleasant. I would state this somewhat differently: Concentration has its own distinctive ‘reward flavor.’ … As one’s mindfulness skills grow, these reward flavors become increasingly tangible and immediate.”

Be patient with yourself in establishing this new habit. Adding something new to our routine, or changing our old routines, is really hard! In The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod, he states that often the first 10 days of a new habit are unbearable. If you’re trying to establish an exercise routine, for example, you’re going to be sore and tired for the first few days. And then around day 10, it starts to get a little easier, and you begin to see some benefits from your workouts. And after another 10 days, you might even like doing it. ?

Meditation can be the same way. The first few times may feel awkward. But stick with it, and you will see the benefits!

And forget the conventional wisdom that says you just need to do it for 21 days — recent research says you need, on average, 66 days for a habit to become ingrained!

Don’t Find the Time — Make the Time!

If you tell yourself you’re going to “find” the time in your schedule for meditation, you probably won’t do it. We all feel like we have such busy schedules that we can’t possibly squeeze something else in! If you want to add formal meditation to your life, you may need to schedule time for meditation.

As I’ve said in this week’s lessons, mindfulness is both a way of being in the world, and a formal seated practice. I strongly believe that the seated practice is very important if we want to cultivate the wisdom and insight gained in meditation.

In my other online course, Brilliant Mindful YOU, we start with five minutes a day and work our way up to 25-30 minutes a day of meditation. But in this class, as busy mamas, I recognize that that is not likely an attainable goal. My recommendation for you in Mindfulness for Mothers is 5 minutes a day, each day. If you want to do more, by all means, go for it! Research shows that even short meditation sessions (as little as 8 minutes a day) are beneficial. And a few minutes each day is MUCH better than just doing 30 minutes once on the weekend.

Your Mindfulness Plan

To help you get started, you can download a funsheet here — it walks you through some questions to help you determine the best time of day to meditate, and it has a weekly schedule on it so you can commit to paper your intentions for your practice.

Join the Conversation!

Once you’ve decided on your mindfulness plan, share your intentions here! Sometimes just proclaiming something publicly (“I am going to meditate for 5 minutes each night before bed”) helps you stick to it.

Remember that intentions are just that — intentions. Remember our foundational attitudes of mindfulness, especially nonjudging and patience. If you miss a day, you miss a day. Don’t beat yourself up about it or think you’ve “failed” mindfulness! Acknowledge what your intention is, and start anew the next day. That’s all we really can do, right?

Finally, in this video I address various meditation postures and how you can be as comfortable as possible in your meditation practice.