[progressally_objectives]

There are a few New Year’s quotes that I really don’t like.

The first one is this:

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” -Oprah Winfrey

With all due respect to Oprah, I think we will drive ourselves crazy if we think we have to get it “right” this year. Let me reassure you that you are not a problem to be fixed — you are beautiful and amazing as you are! There are many different paths you could follow today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your life, and while some may be easier or harder, richer or poorer, I firmly believe that there is not one “right” path we are supposed to travel.

And not only do we not have to get it “right” this year…. it’s by getting things wrong that we learn and grow!

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.”

Neil Gaiman

As Edison famously said, he never failed; he simply found 10,000 ways that didn’t work. So please, allow yourself the space to make mistakes, get things wrong, and figure out what doesn’t work. Because then you’re on the path to figuring out what DOES work. For YOU.

And the second New Year’s quote I don’t much care for is this one:

“If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am.” Cyril Cusack

Because you know what? You can only know who you are right now, in this moment. And in the next moment you will be a little different. In fact, so much of our suffering, I believe, can be tied to this idea that we need to nail down “who we are.” In Buddhism this would be considered “clinging to the self,” or “selfing,” as we create this idea of “who I am,” as if we were a statue and not a living, breathing, moving part of nature.

So in addition to asking you to be okay with making mistakes and not always being “right,” I’m also asking you to try to see yourself as a continual work in progress. Your process of growth and self-development is never-ending; while to some people that might seem exhausting and terrifying, I find it liberating. We always have a do-over. We can always change and evolve.

We’re never “done” — because what would that mean? In our search for true joy and happiness, we’re really talking about ACTIONS, not ACCOMPLISHMENTS. We’re talking about how we live our DAYS, we’re talking about our habits and patterns and ways of being. And these are things we can always transform in order to reduce our suffering.

The problem with focusing on accomplishments (even the vague one of finally discovering “who I am”) is that once they are attained…. well, then what? On to the next challenge! We get the promotion…. and then we start eyeing the bigger office next to ours…. and that amazing promotion that felt so wonderful starts to just be … ordinary. Psychologists call this the “hedonic treadmill” — we are constantly seeking new experiences, but the “high” from attaining them wears off, we adapt to our new circumstances, and we start to desire more….. Wash, rinse, repeat.

So we are starting this week by looking at the BIG PICTURE — our values and our WHY’s. Next week we will get a bit more granular and start identifying our “resolutions” and intentions for the year ahead, but we don’t want to put the cart in front of the horse. First, we need direction — we need our compass, our True North. Because if we don’t know where we’re headed, how can we get there?

What Do You Value?

In your downloads for this lesson, you will find a page that looks like this:

Each circle represents an area of your life (and they are in no particular order, so don’t attach any significance to where each circle appears on the page). In each circle, identify the values that you hold for that part of your life. Some of the areas may seem to overlap a bit; just do your best to define these in a way that makes sense to you.

Examples of values: honesty, compassion, kindness, service, love, authenticity, creativity, fairness, humor, justice, learning, meaning, openness, optimism, vitality, etc. (You can find a quite comprehensive list of values here.)

Non-examples of values: a particular job title, a particular income level, a particular award/recognition, a time-bound accomplishment, a possession, etc.

A value is something that is actionable (e.g., being kind), and that is never finished (e.g., you don’t just do one kind thing and then cross off “be kind” on your values list). A value is completely in your control (e.g., you can always be kind; you can’t always be the top salesperson in your office), and it is not dependent on external circumstances (e.g., you can always be kind; you can’t always expect others to be kind to you).

Your values guide you as you make decisions throughout your day — is this kind? is it compassionate? is this just? am I acting out of love?

This exercise may seem simple, but I don’t think many of us actually put pen to paper and name the things we value — and we should! Our values are our compass; they are what guide us in choosing what to care about.

If you’ll forgive the profanity, I’d like to share the following excerpt from Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck:

You must learn “how to pick and choose what matters to you and what does not matter to you based on finely honed personal values. This is incredibly difficult. It takes a lifetime of practice and discipline to achieve. And you will regularly fail. But it is perhaps the most worthy struggle one can undertake in one’s life. It is perhaps the only struggle in one’s life. Because when you give too many f*cks — when you give a f*ck about everything — you will feel that you’re perpetually entitled to be comfortable and happy at all times, that everything is supposed to be just exactly the f*cking way you want it to be. This is a sickness. And it will eat you alive.”

Instead, we must get clear on what we value — for then we know what we are willing to struggle and suffer for. As Manson states, “Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.”

If life is about moments and breaths, then we better be focusing not just on the ultimate prize (which can take years and years to earn), but on ALL THOSE MOMENTS AND BREATHS THAT GET US THERE. If you want to climb a mountain, you better ACTUALLY WANT TO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN, not just reach the peak.

Download the “My Values” funsheets here, and spend some time reflecting on what you value.

The second page in this packet asks you to rate how important each of these areas is in your life (because at different times in our lives, different realms are significant), and how well you are living up to your values in these areas. Simply look at all of this as data to inform the decisions you will make next week (and, really, for the rest of your life!) about what to focus on this year. Hold yourself with lots of compassion as you reflect honestly on what you value and how you live.

The third page in the packet asks you to reflect on the things that are going well for you right now. Where are you already successful? What do you feel is really working in your life right now? Where have you already tasted the miracle? All of this information can help you think about how to focus your energies in the year ahead.

On the fourth page, you’ll find two boxes for filling in the things that make you happy, and the things that make you joyful. We all say we want to be happy, but I see happiness and joy as two different things. I think of happiness as short-term, quick-acting pleasures (getting a massage, watching a funny show, attending a fun party), and I think of joy as more of the long-term, slow-burn pleasures of life (navigating marriage with a loved partner, discovering how to parent our children, etc.). It’s not that one is bad and the other is good — a combination of both these types of pleasure is lovely! But it’s helpful to identify what the things are for US that make us happy and joyful, and then consider how we are, again, spending our time — chasing short-term highs? cultivating long-term joys? It’s all data, and it’s all stuff to keep coming back to this week… this year… this life…

Well, this is enough to keep you busy for a few days! Check back on Wednesday for additional lessons as we dig into intention and purpose this week!