If happiness and mindfulness are all about non-striving, not attaching to outcomes, and being accepting of ourselves in the present moment, then how the heck do GOALS fit into all of this???
According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor at the University of California who studies “the science of happiness,” there are six important benefits of working toward our goals in a “committed pursuit.” Many of these will be familiar to you by now based on what we have learned in this class:
Goals give us a sense of purpose.- Working toward a goal — and steadily making small steps toward achieving the goal — boosts our self-esteem and confidence.
- Having long-term goals that we are working toward gives a structure and meaning to our daily lives.
- Pursuing goals teaches us the skills of planning and organization.
- Goals can improve our ability to cope — they teach us how to deal with setbacks, AND, perhaps surprisingly, research shows that if we continue to work on our goals even during times of personal crisis, we actually cope better.
- Working on goals often means connecting with others, and having a strong social network and connections with others is vital to our wellbeing.
So, instead of goals being something we STRIVE for, they become, as we discussed last week, our guideposts.
In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar writes,
“The goal of goals is to liberate us, so that we can enjoy the here and now…. If we do not know where we are going or even where we want to go, every fork in the road becomes a site of ambivalence — neither turning left nor turning right seems a good choice as we do not know whether we want to end up where these roads lead. So instead of focusing on the landscape, the scenery, the flowers on the side of the road, we are consumed by hesitation and uncertainty…. If we have a destination in mind, if we more or less know where we are going, we are free to focus our full attention on making the most of where we are.”
Which means, ultimately, we focus more on having the goals than attaining them. That is why I like to think of our goals as intentions as opposed to resolutions. Intentions mean we have direction, but we don’t have a single, fixed outcome in mind.
Happiness researcher Daniel Gilbert says that we often overestimate just how “happy” a particular achievement will make us. We also underestimate how sad or depressed we will be if we experience failures or setbacks, AND we underestimate our ability to bounce back from these difficulties. We are FAR more resilient than we believe! This knowledge (backed by lots o’ good data) can allow us to be much more flexible and compassionate with ourselves as we work toward meaningful goals.
Your Turn: How have you felt about goal-setting in your life? Do you typically set goals? Do you feel as if goals give you direction, or put too much pressure on you, or something else?
Yes. I have always had very typical goals, like: lose weight, organize desk, paint walls, eat well, meditate, yoga, blah, blah, blah. I often feel very stressed out when I don’t achieve them. Thinking about my life’s purpose has given me an “aha” moment. I feel more inspired and have more of a sense of direction. If I know what I’m here to do, those types of “goals” either fit or they don’t. And if they fit, they’re fun.
Yes to all of this!! All the “blah blah” goals can mean a lot more when they are in service to something bigger!
I have a stack of lists and goals that I intend to do in one day and even weeks. Of the lists my problem is that I can get to repeat for a whole year the same task that never conclude or avoid it … I have a little “procrastination issue”
I also have more long-term intentions, the typical ones: making healthier food for the family (although I hate cooking), losing weight, screaming less, being happier. Some are things that I feel do not go with me … I’m not sure that they are going to make me happier
We will be tackling procrastination in Week three — so stay tuned!
As for looking at your intentions, I think that is a powerful insight that some may not make you happier. I suppose it’s about considering first what we mean by happiness — for example, you mention making healthier food, but not liking cooking…. So, one option is to reframe it — can cooking be an act of service? can it be about the more long-term goal? I like to joke that no one wants to go to the gym, but they want to be healthy… If you don’t like cooking, can you like “making a healthy meal”? For some of our goals, we may need to focus a bit beyond the immediate task (in terms of finding our WHY), and then using that to sanctify the work in the moment. Does that make sense?
And another option may be if your partner can cook (and you do dishes and clean up?) Or something else?
I have generally thought of goals as a management tool so everyone on your team is working towards the same mutually determined goals with timelines,expectations,measurable objectives. When thinking about my goals they have generally been able what I will do,not what I value or how I will behave in the wider world. LIke Karen,I really like the idea of identifying my life purpose as a broad banner to march under.I appreciate too the dimensions of an intention- something I have control over and moving in the right direction,maybe “babysteps” but being compassionate with oneself instead of tyrannical about achievement.
I enjoy setting goals and have clear core values (honesty, reliability, and presence) and overarching priorities (God/faith, self-care, family, community, and work) that guide my goal setting. It’s the minutiae where I stumble: I have trouble identifying mini-steps to get to the big goal and following through. Logistics are difficult for me and historically this has resulted in feelings of pressure and shame.
I love setting goals, and I have been guilty of getting so stuck on achieving a particular goal that I lose track of whether I still even want the goal! This was really helpful – I have been happiest when it was about working toward the goal, and the experience, instead of the end result.