Week Five: Lovingkindness

I have to confess – when I first heard the word “heartfulness” in connection with mindfulness, I rolled my eyes. “Heartfulness” technically isn’t even a word, at least according to my spell-checker.

In my first few years of practicing mindfulness, I had certainly heard of “lovingkindness” meditations, but I did not include them in my practice. Mindfulness, for me, was about disengaging from my thoughts, about using my breath to calm down, and managing my depression and anxiety. I remember thinking, “I don’t need to start going all hippie woo-woo, love-all-mankind, unicorns-and-rainbows, do I??”

Clearly, it wasn’t a very skillful response. ? In the years since then, I have developed a much greater appreciation for the practices of lovingkindness and heartfulness. In truth, the non-judgmental, gentle awareness we have been cultivating over the last month is a form of self-compassion and kindness.

In today’s video, I discuss the practice of lovingkindness, and explain why mindfulness truly does need heartfulness.

Daily practice note: As you know, our approach to mindfulness in Brilliant Mindful YOU is to start with a short amount of practice time, and gradually increase your meditation time each week. I would like to once again gently encourage you to increase your practice time.

If you’ve been sitting for 15 minutes a day now, try 20. If you’ve been sitting for five minutes, try 10. Ultimately, this is about listening to yourself and determining what works best for you. If all you have is 5 minutes one day, then sit for five minutes! If you miss a day, you miss a day. Mindfulness should not be something you do out of guilt or a sense of “have-to.”

I’ll leave you with these words from Andy Puddicombe of HeadSpace:

“In fact, real progress could arguably be said to be found in the willingness to sit down, day after day, no matter how you are feeling, and to simply be present with the mind exactly as it is. To have the courage and dedication to do this, no matter whether you perceive the meditation to be good or bad, pleasurable or unpleasurable, beneficial or otherwise…to do this day after day, with sensitivity and kindness, that’s progress.”

(See, there’s that heartfulness again!)

Finally, you may be interested in reading this blog post I wrote: Born to Be Mild: Compassion is Our Basic Human Nature.

heart photo credit: Hardening the Heart via photopin (license)

“No one can live happily who has regard to himself alone and transforms everything into a question of his own utility; you must live for your neighbor, if you would live for yourself.”

– Seneca

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

– John Donne

How did it feel to send loving and kind thoughts to yourself?

In this lesson, we are going to practice extending our lovingkindness to others. You’re possibly already noticing how mindfulness is transforming the way you interact with others. While mindfulness brings a lot of individual benefits when we practice it, I believe one of the most powerful things about it is how it transforms how we approach other people.

As mindfulness helps us understand our emotions and thoughts, we come to a deeper understanding of the human condition. We begin to recognize that sadness, joy, anger, jealousy, gratitude, and all the other emotions are simply part of being human. We see that what makes us suffer, makes other suffer too. We discover that another’s joy can become our joy, too.

Albert Einstein wrote,

A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

As I noted in the previous video, the more aware we are of the present moment, the more in tune we are with the experiences of others, their joy and their pain. This generates compassion — a true desire that all creatures be free of suffering. We act to help others not because we know we should or because it’s what we’ve been told to do. We help others because we are aware that their pain is our pain.

Our awareness becomes compassionate engagement with life.

The audio download in this lesson is a guided meditation for practicing lovingkindness by sending kind thoughts to others. We will start by focusing on someone we love, and then a neutral person, and finally end with sending kind thoughts to a difficult person. Again, the practice can feel a bit contrived at first, but over time can be very powerful.

This practice is especially helpful for transforming our feelings toward people we dislike. When we dislike someone, or wish them ill, it doesn’t make us feel very good, does it? Every thing the person does bothers us, and it prevents us from helping this person. Carrying around anger is essentially a way of letting other people’s mistakes punish us. By practicing lovingkindness, we can begin to soften towards this individual. It doesn’t mean we need to become besties with this person, but we can radically change our experiences with them.

We will continue to explore “interpersonal mindfulness” in the next several lessons as we talk about mindful communication and forgiveness. In the meantime, you can listen to the audio for another practice session.

“Possessing five factors, speech is well spoken, not badly spoken; it is blameless and beyond reproach by the wise. What five? It is spoken at the proper time; what is said is true; it is spoken gently; what is said is beneficial; it is spoken with a mind of lovingkindness.”

Buddha

As we’ve delved into the causes of our stress and anxiety, we’ve left out an important variable — other people! As humans, we are social beings. It’s essential that we bond with others in order to survive. It doesn’t mean we always have to get along with people or never experience conflict, but I’m sure we all aspire to live in harmony with our family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.

And that may be easier said than done (just like mindfulness!)

In this lesson, and the next one (it’s a big topic!), we are exploring mindfulness with others; specifically, how we can communicate effectively and mindfully with other people.

Why communication? Well, pretty much every interaction we have with others is a form of communication — verbal or nonverbal. In fact, the word “communication” derives from the Latin “communicare,” which means “to make common.” Communication is how we take our inner experiences (thoughts, desires, emotions) and make them understandable (common) to another person.

For something to be made common, it requires interaction. It requires speaking and listening and receiving and understanding. We can be much more effective in our communication with others when we approach it with mindful awareness.

There are several ways we can bring mindfulness to our interactions with others:

• Be open: If you can, it’s helpful to take a deep breath before a conversation. It allows you to connect briefly with your anchor, and return to a “beginner’s mind.” Don’t assume you know what the person is going to say even before they’ve said it! So that means we…
• Truly listen: You can probably think of conversations you’ve had when you haven’t been fully present, and you likely know what it’s like to be talking to someone who you can tell is clearly distracted. John Tarrant says that “attention is the most basic form of love.” We can show compassion and love for another person by simply listening.
• Make eye contact: This is probably an obvious one, but we all want to be heard and seen.
• Practice nonjudgment: Notice if you have a reaction to anything the other person says. Notice your tendency to like or dislike what they’re saying, or if you are becoming defensive. Elisha Goldstein and Bob Stahl remind us to imagine someone’s comment as “just one perspective — one slice on a pie chart, not the entire circle. Imagine filling in that pie with other perspectives, each holding equal value.”
• Seek clarification: If you do notice unpleasant reactions, or you are not sure why someone has said something, inquire further before responding. Understand their intention for speaking — are they asking for advice? do they just need to vent? do they need something from you?
• Practice lovingkindness: In dealing with difficult people, it may be helpful to silently repeat your lovingkindness phrases.
• THINK: I got this acronym from a poster at my daughter’s school! Before you speak, ask yourself, are your words
  • True?
  • Helpful?
  • Inspiring?
  • Necessary?
  • Kind?

Joseph Goldstein, in his book Mindfulness, writes that practicing “right speech”“cultivates abstinence from unwholesome mind states; gives expression to the beautiful motivations of lovingkindness, compassion, and altruistic joy; and, most importantly, aligns us with what is true.”

And who doesn’t want that?

Assignment: Set an intention for the next few days to pay attention to your speech and your conversation habits. What is the motivation/intention behind your words? Can you THINK before you speak? Do you tend to let your mind wander during conversations? Do you make eye contact? Do you truly listen, or do you try to formulate a response to what someone is saying before they’ve finished saying it?

We’re not aiming for perfection in our speech — we’re aspiring toward greater awareness. Just see what you notice.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) “is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions…. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as to others — NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.”

Marshall Rosenberg, Founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Did you ever say that as a child? I’m sure Freud would describe that phrase as a classic defense mechanism. Our words are powerful — they can heal and uplift, or they can wound and destroy. Sometimes they do far more damage than sticks and stones.

The late Marshall Rosenberg developed nonviolent communication (NVC) as a method to cultivate compassion and healing. He described it as nonviolent in the way that Gandhi spoke of nonviolence — “to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.” Rosenberg won many international awards for his work, and taught NVC principles in such varied settings as classrooms, hospitals, and prisons, and even to Middle East peace negotiators!

Nonviolent communication is based on the premise that everything we say and do is a way to fulfill a fundamental human need. These basic human needs include connection, meaning, play, honesty, autonomy, physical well-being, and peace. (You can find a more detailed list on the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website). NVC recognizes that, at the most basic level, as human beings we all want the same things.

I believe NVC has an important role as part of a mindfulness practice. It teaches us to see our common humanity, rather than the things that divide us. It teaches us to truly pay attention to the feelings and needs of others — and ourselves. It allows us to connect with others with empathy, and to jointly create solutions to problems, rather than trying to “win” arguments or force compliance.

And, as you will see, mindfulness provides the foundation for applying the nonviolent communication process.

There are four components to nonviolent communication:

1. Observations

This is where our mindfulness practice comes in so handy! When we are communicating with another person, can we observe the conversation just as a video camera would? This is essential to creating a shared reality with the other person. We want to make statements that are observations, not judgments. For example, “You are inconsiderate” is a judgment. “You arrived to the meeting 10 minutes late” is an observation. And consider how differently the conversation will proceed when you use the latter statement!

By focusing just on observations, it’s more likely the person will be able to engage with us and not jump to immediately being defensive. They will be more willing to listen to how their being late impacted us, and to listen to our feelings and needs.

In a way, this is about avoiding some of the mind traps we talked about last week. We probably want to avoid words like never and always, because they get us away from discussing the matter at hand. When we make observations, the person can readily recall the specific incident.

2. Feelings

We’ve spent a lot of time on these, too, haven’t we?!

After we’ve made an observation, we can share how we are feeling. We want to be careful to identify a genuine feeling (an inner experience) as opposed to an interpretation of the other person’s actions. For example, “I feel neglected when you don’t arrive on time” is our feeling; “I feel that you don’t care about me” is an interpretation of the other person’s feelings.

NVC also involves taking responsibility for our feelings. We are feeling something because of our own needs (see below), and not because of the other person. You can find a pretty extensive list here of different feelings (organized into two categories — how we feel when our needs are met, and how we feel when our needs are not met).

3. Needs

In this next step, we go a bit deeper. Just as we’ve done as we explore our mental and physical sensations, we explore what needs (met or unmet) are causing this feeling. In the example I have been using, maybe it is our need for meaning or connection. We need to feel that we matter or are connected to this person, and when they show up 10 minutes late for an important meeting, that need is not met.

If we can express our feelings to the other person in this way, we tap into our shared humanity. Our tardy friend also has needs for meaning and connection, and can likely now empathize with how we feel, for she has likely felt the same way at some point. We have now connected with this person on a fundamentally human level. And once we’ve dropped below the initial cause of our friction, we can explore, together, alternative strategies for meeting this need.

4. Requests

Now we can make a request of the other person, understanding that a request is not a demand. With a request, we must accept that the other person might say “no.”

A request should be specific (“Would you be willing to arrive on time to our next meeting”) as opposed to vague (“I want you to be more considerate.”) It should focus on what the person should DO (e.g., arrive on time) as opposed to what they shouldn’t do (e.g., “don’t be late.”)

If the person says no, it means there is a need of theirs that is not being met by agreeing to our request. We may need more information. We may need to do a little guess work here, or just straight-up ask, “Is there something that’s preventing you from arriving to the meetings by 8am?” Perhaps the meeting times need to be adjusted; the spirit of nonviolent communication is that we shift from making demands to jointly creating a solution that honors everyone’s needs.

I strongly encourage you to “test” this technique in the upcoming days, perhaps in an interaction with your spouse or your children or a colleague. Bring your mindful awareness to the act of conversation, paying attention to your feelings and needs. Pay attention to your words — are you making observations or judgments? Are you demanding or requesting?

Many of these suggestions above are probably not “revolutionary.” They’re probably all things you’ve heard before. The thing to ask yourself is, “Do I do them?”

Bruce Lee once said,

“Under duress, we don’t rise to our expectations, we fall to our level of training.”

With everything we’ve learned in this course — paying attention, responding but not reacting, cultivating emotional awareness — we must practice and train. We do it when it’s easy, when the house is quiet or when it’s a small disagreement with a friend, so that when we are under duress, we can rise to our expectations and act with compassion and dignity.