“Having a coherent sense of your own life history enables you to offer the kind of experiences that help children make sense of their own lives.“
Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out
I’ve given you a lot this week, so consider this “lesson” an add-on, perhaps something to come back to at a later time… or maybe you’re ready for more self-care! The exercises described below can be especially helpful for mothers who had a troubling childhood, but we can all benefit from this type of self-exploration.
As I said earlier in this “unit,” we are story-telling creatures. We use narrative to make sense of our lives and the world around us. Stories, according to Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, “connect the self in the past, present, and anticipated future.”
Having a coherent narrative of our lives, a way to make sense of the things we have done and the things that have happened to us, is essential to healthy living — and a parent’s coherent sense of self is strongly correlated with children who are securely attached to their parents.
How do we begin this type of exploration?
Most psychologists recommend journaling as a way to understand the self. Perhaps start by writing about your childhood memories. What words would you use to describe your childhood? How would you characterize your relationship with your parents (both as a child, and now)? What are some of your most vivid (both positive and negative) childhood memories?
How would you describe your relationship with your child(ren)? Are the words similar to or different from the words you used to describe your relationship with your parents?
The point of these exercises is to understand how our identity and experience as a parent is often strongly informed by our own childhood experiences. If we grew up in a tension-filled household, how is that impacting us NOW as a mother?
Even if we had a very positive childhood, this type of exploration is helpful. I remember telling a friend, “Well, I don’t think I need to reflect on this much because my mother was (and is) AWESOME. I had a great childhood. My parents were very involved and supportive.”
But the more I thought about it, I realized that my memories of my “perfect” childhood and my “perfect” mother were feeding some of my feelings of inadequacy as a mom.Why am I not like her? She probably never felt like this! Am I creating positive experiences for my kids that are as wonderful as the ones my parents created for me??? …. You get the point.
Taking the time to dive into our history can produce profound insights into our present-day experience as a mother. Obviously, this type of soul-searching can take time, and might require the help of a therapist or other professional if we have significant trauma or other unresolved issues from our childhood.
If you feel you have the time, and you are ready, this can be a powerful way to explore your identity as a mother and gain a deeper understanding of your current struggles and joys. The book Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive is a helpful resource for doing this type of work. I also highly recommend Brene Brown’s new book Rising Strong.
“We are the authors of our lives.
We write our own daring endings.”
Brene Brown, Rising Strong