In Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run With the Wolves, Estes recounts the myth of the seal woman who loses her sealskin during her marriage and early childbearing years. Estes calls this sealskin our “soulskin,” our protective pelt that is essential for our survival.
“Every woman who stays away from her soul-home for too long, tires,” Estes writes. “This is as it should be. Then she seeks her skin again in order to revive her sense of self and soul…”
She continues, “We lose the soulskin by … being too exacting, perfectionistic, or unnecessarily martyred, or driven by a blind ambition, or by being dissatisfied — about self, family, community, culture, world — and not saying or doing anything about it, or by pretending we are an unending source for others, or by not doing all we can to help ourselves.”
Can you relate to that description? As mothers, we DO tend to be exacting, perfectionist martyrs. We give to others and often forget to care for ourselves.
But in the myth, it is the woman’s child who ultimately leads his mother back to her soulskin, to her home. “This child is a spiritual power that impels us to continue our important work, to push back, change our lives, better the community, join in helping to balance the world … all by returning to home.”
We know when we need to return home when we feel burnt out, when, as Estes describes it, “there is angst. There is bereftness. There is wistfulness. There is longing.” And our “bodies are in the here and now, but [our] minds are far, far away.” That sounds like exactly the time when we need mindfulness, right???
For Estes, home is “an internal place … where a woman feels of one piece.” Even though she speaks of “going” home, we don’t actually have to physically leave in order to feel at home.
THAT is the kind of self-care that I think is so important for mothers. Not the “go get a pedicure!” kind of advice, which is totally impractical, and ultimately doesn’t really change much about our lives. Estes puts it bluntly: “for the soul-self-psyche, vacation is not the same as refuge. ‘Time out’ or ‘time off’ is not the same as returning to home.”
So how do we do it? How do we find our soulskin, discover our place of refuge, and return home in the midst of diaper changes and tween-age drama and college applications?
THAT’s what were talking about this week. Below, watch my introductory video about self-care for mothers.
As I referenced in the video, one of the simplest, and most effective, practices for self-care is self-compassion. You can learn more in Part 2 of my Self-Care for Mothers series below:
(FYI: I swear once in this video…. just in case you need to use headphones if the littles are around ? )
I have a lot to say on this topic! You can watch Part 3 below:
“So, women who are tired, temporarily sick of the world, who are afraid to take time off, afraid to stop, wake up already! Lay a blanket over the banging gong that cries for you to infinitely help this, help that, help this other thing. It will be there to uncover again, if you wish it so, when you come back. If we do not go home when it is time, we lose our focus. Finding the skin again, putting it on, patting it tight, going home again, helps us to be more effective when we return.”
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves
Your turn:
Can you relate to this idea of “losing your soulskin”? What are the things that nourish your soul and provide you a sense of “home”?
I can completely relate to this idea as I constantly feel that I am pulled in a thousand directions at one time. I would find that at times I felt I had control and everything was in its place and at other times that my world was spiraling out of control. I would often feel emotionally and physically exhausted and in the end realized I was completely unhappy even though there was no actual reason to be unhappy. I was losing sight of myself and realized my life was passing by in a whirlwind and I longed and wished for things to become easier and slow down.
I began my journey into mindfulness about a year and a half ago. This journey has helped me “slow down” and enjoy each moment for what it is more often. I am now more capable of not allowing myself to get caught up and anxiety ridden. As always it is a work in progress with its ups and downs. I am now nourished by the ability to stop and breathe and truly live in each moment whether it is being with my family, the quiet drive to work (which is the only time I am alone and not being overstimulated), or doing physical exercise like running and yoga (especially beach yoga). I particularly find nourishment in the moments that I am able to share mindfulness with my children and when I see and hear them using it as well. We read, “Stories from the Buddah at Bedtime”, sometimes reflect on the day or our feelings in our journals and use the Mind Jars. These are the moments that soothe my soul and bring me back home where I belong. I am now much more capable of talking myself off of the “ledge” where I lost myself at some point in my journey. Mindfulness has provided me with the ability to not veer too far off the trail so that the ledge no longer looms before me and I can truly smile and say I love my life with all its ups and downs.
I am enjoying the continued path of this journey that is embracing Mindfulness and motherhood. I am grateful for the guidance and support so that I can learn to be more patient and carryover mindfulness into the lives of my spouse and children. Thank you for this incredible opportunity.
What a gorgeous description of your mindful journey, thank you for sharing that with us. I love the Buddha at Bedtime stories, too. Sometimes it’s a struggle for me to relax into bedtime because I am so eager to finally get “my” time, but the books and snuggles and giggles can be such a wonderful source of nurture and joy when we just let ourselves be present.
I can definitely relate to that phrase. As women I feel we are expected to “do and be everything to everyone” this becomes overwhelming at times and we just want to crawl under the covers for one day and retreat from it all. Meditation has been a wonderful source of nourishment to my soul as well as reading inspirational books and one of my favourite shows to watch is Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. I highly recommend it! My journey with mindfulness has also helped me in my work and home life to be aware of myself, my feelings and my triggers and develop other strategies to deal with situations that arise that are difficult. Being with friends who are like minded also gives my soul the nourishment to keep going as well. Keeping our ego in check is difficult and essential to help us to stay positive in our daily life.
What a wonderful list of self-care ideas, Allyson — thanks for sharing! I also love reading as a true form of mind and spirit nurture!