An important component of discipline is attunement. When we are attuned to our children, we are aware of their emotions. We are truly paying attention. We are in harmony with them (though it doesn’t mean that things will always be harmonious!)
As I explain in the video below, a key principle of mindful parenting is CONNECT BEFORE REDIRECT. Before we can discipline or redirect our children, we need to connect with them.
Connecting with our children (before redirecting)
(This isn’t a step-by-step list; rather, think of these suggestions as a variety of ways you can connect with your child, helping to soothe the lizard brain before addressing the behavior with the upstairs brain).
- Allow silence — don’t try to fill the stillness with chatter. Give your child space to speak.
- Get down on their level, or even below eye-level.
- If your child is receptive to it, use touch (hugs, backrubs, etc.).
- Be open and receptive. Truly pay attention to what your child is saying, rather than thinking you already know what they are going to say.
- listen for the feelings behind the words — what’s REALLY going on?
- “Chase the why” — why do you think your child acted this way? What need is he or she trying to fulfill? Consider the behavior as a symptom of an underlying “disease.”
- respond contingently — based on what your child is actually saying (not based on the script or chatter in your head)
- Join with your child’s experience (“It’s really hard when we see someone else play with the toy we want,” or “It’s probably scary when you get so angry you want to punch someone.”) Allow your child to feel felt, to know that you get it. You don’t need to approve of their behavior, but you can validate their feelings and emotions.
- Don’t just parrot back what they’re saying (“I hear you saying…”). Help your child develop an emotional vocabulary and understand what’s happening. You may need to do a bit of guesswork (“It can be hard to leave a party. You had a lot of fun, and now maybe you’re sad that everyone has to go home and the playtime is over.”)
- Communicate in a neutral tone. It’s not just what you say, but HOW you say it!
- Create a calm zone with your child. The calm zone can have stuffed animals, a CD with quiet music, books, a mind jar, blankets, or anything that your child finds soothing and calming.
This step — connection — is about letting our children know that we will be with them through the storm. We let them know that we can handle their emotions, and it teaches them that they can handle their emotions, too.