Despite all our best intentions, we will still get triggered. We will still yell, we’ll act unskillfully, and our relationship with our children will suffer minor ruptures.
That’s when we REPAIR.
When a rupture happens, first and foremost, HOLD YOURSELF WITH COMPASSION. You are doing the best you can. If you could have done better, you would have! Take the time to reflect, learn what you can, and then move on without beating yourself up about the situation.
As you’re reflecting, try to see the situation or incident from your child’s point of view. Or perhaps even have a “re-enactment” of the scenario, with you being the child and your child being you (oh, the things we learn about ourselves from this exercise!) This is a powerful way for both of you to cultivate empathy!
Once everyone has calmed down, engage in a reflective dialogue with your child. Perhaps you could walk through the “retroactive practice” that we explored last week. What led up to this situation? What were we both thinking as it was happening? At what points could we have chosen different behavior?
When your child speaks, listen without trying to defend yourself. (There’s a difference between explaining what happened, and getting defensive.)
(I think a helpful tool for this is the film Inside Out. I love the scenes in the movie where it shows how the parents are reacting to a situation. It helps our children realize that WE have those emotions bouncing around in our heads, too. Perhaps you can use this as a way to reflect on the rupture — what was Anger doing? What was Fear doing?)
Own your behavior. Sometimes we think we’re repairing our relationship, but we say something like, “It’s just that when you say that, you make mommy angry…” Own your emotion. You can explain why it made you angry, but this isn’t about blaming your child, or making your child responsible for your emotions.
Create a “plan” for moving forward. “Now that I know how you feel about this, I am going to try to ‘X’…”
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Again, recognize that ruptures will happen — what really matters is how we repair them.