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“Over time, I have come to trust that effective, engaged parenting isn’t about doing what the experts say or handling every situation perfectly (whatever that means). It’s about showing up for my kids and myself with as much kindness and compassion as I can muster, as often as I can…. No matter what situation I am facing, the best I can do is to stay with myself and my children right here, right now, in the fullness of the present moment — whatever it may be.”
Carla Naumburg, Parenting in the Present Moment: How to Stay Focused on What Really Matters
When I first heard the phrase “mindful parenting,” I was a bit confused. Had I been a mindless parent up until then?
Mindful parenting is simply applying the practice of mindfulness to the work of parenting.
It is, as Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn call it, profound inner work. Parenting styles and theories come and go, but our presence and awareness will always be necessary.
Mindful parenting isn’t about a particular technique (though we will be learning effective ways to communicate with our children and ways to rethink discipline). As the Zinns tell us, mindfulness doesn’t tell us what to do — it gives us a way to LISTEN. Mindfulness expert and author Carla Naumburg writes, “the best source of useful information is in the present moment, as it exists right in front of [you].”
Mindfulness in the context of parenting means we respond to THIS behavior from THIS child in THIS moment. It means we are fully present when we play, and when we discipline.
It means we acknowledge and accept the challenges and the joys that we face each day. It means we see things as they are, not as we wish them to be. It means we see, and accept, our children as they are, and not as we wish them to be. (In the last lesson I talked about how we can notice all the times when we are judging things and wishing things were different. How often do we wish our children were different?)
Mindfulness is about paying attention — and even though it’s simple, it IS a more labor-intensive way to parent. It can be easier (in the short term) to run on autopilot, to resort to our habitual reactions, or to be, well, not fully present. But the inner work of mindful parenting will pay huge dividends in the end, in the form of stronger, secure attachments for our children and the greater calm and ease with which we can approach our days.
Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn call parenting an eighteen-year retreat — we learn every day from our live-in Zen masters, who are often much better at being in the present moment than we are! Can we bring our openness and curiosity to parenting?
Mindful parenting doesn’t mean we stay calm all the time. We all — me included — lose our cool sometimes. Mindful parenting means we notice we’ve lost our cool, and begin again.
And again….
So while we have lots of topics and practices to explore in this course, we’ll always be returning to this simple definition — paying attention and creating the space we need so that we can engage the world from a place of insight and wisdom.
This is a continual, life-long practice — and so, really, is parenting.
Your Turn:
What does mindful parenting mean to YOU?
Learning to repsond vs react…..oh my you just completely spoke to me!! They are so different and I struggle with this too!
There are so many comments that I’m nodding my head to so I do not want to be repetitive. I would love to know Jessica Day’s morning mantra—and any others if anyone has some to share! While I have been getting up earlier to be present in the morning quiet, drink my coffee, read some news, I have also found that I get irritated if that time is interrupted. Already I am finding it therapeutic just to reflect about that here as it’s an opportunity to realize I need to accept what is and be able to transition easier with more patience and grace.
Yes, your mention of conversations with kids caught MY attention. In my vision of how I want to raise my kids I envision them being able to talk to me about anything. Yet, with my 7yo I find that he repeats topics so much, or the timing isn’t right by *my* standards, that I end up responding to his conversation by shutting him down. “You’ve already said that 4 times”, “Can we please talk about this later?”, “Why is this relevant right now?”. I’d like to be able to bridge that gap of my feeling overwhelmed by my own needs in the moment he choose to communicate and really meet him so he feels listened to (or at least valued) ALL the time.
Mindful parenting means to me being open to an outcome without being attached to what I “think” the outcome should be. Here in lies the problem for me. I am attached to expectations and I dont want to be attached another day. This is why I am going inward to teach myself acceptance.
Mindful parenting for me is stay with the kids here and now give them my all attention and enjoy their presence without being constantly taken from doing and as it should be. Mindful parenting I think is also accept ourselves as we are, with our limits and our errors by renewing every day the intention to improve our presence
Mindful Meditation is one of the pillars of Mindful Parenting. This practise helps me to stay calm and centred as much as possible in situations with my children that can create anger and frustration. I also want to be able to teach my children how to be mindful and learn the skills to help them through life’s lessons.
Well put, Allyson! Thanks!
Mindful parenting to me, means that you are giving full attention when around your children. I find that many problems and confrontations arise because I am not in that moment and although my children are talking to me and I am listening, I am also thinking of other things as well. Mindful parenting is putting yourself in that moment and giving them your actual full attention.
I love that, Tracey — attention and presence are so important!
Mindful parenting is something that I fail at regularly. At a yoga class this weekend, the instructor shouted something which I loved about “Failing Forward.” Because only when we fail can we learn, continue to push forward, and grow.
I’m not sure what mindful parenting means to me. It’s only after I fail at it, that I remember it. How interesting!!
Here’s an example of my lack of mindful parenting this morning:
My morning was stressful. By 7:17am, I had already texted a girlfriend to let her know that I had no interest in hearing ‘Mommy” anymore today. I’m stressed due to an upcoming work convention where I will be bringing my entire family. (I did mention I had 2 kids, 2 and under, right?!)
I get to work, with my kids, and my stroller isn’t working. My daughter is screaming to come in to the front seat where she plays until I get us all together. I bring her there and let her play but she just won’t sit still. I fuss with my stroller (added stressor bc I’m taking it on my trip) and call my husband to let him know how mad I am at him about the stroller. (not his fault, but my morning was tough, my mind was racing, and I somehow felt the urge to blame this on him)
My daughter, in the front seat, starts to stand and almost falls out of the car. I push her back down in her seat and raise my voice about listening and sitting down.
Instant shock on her face from my push as I’ve never made this type of physical gesture toward her before. Instant regret inside me for doing this to her. I hug her and tell her I’m sorry.
There was nothing Mindful about my parenting here. But this instance placed an important mindful parenting lesson in my path. The best I can do now is to be more present during these moments so I don’t do this to my children again.
I fail at mindful parenting so many times a day. And because of this, I will learn how to be a more mindful parent.
Sorry for my long story!
Oh, Dena, thank you for sharing that with us! We ALL “fail” at mindful parenting! We make mistakes, and as you lovingly did, we make amends and start anew. I also have moments where hearing “Mommmmm!” can drive me crazy. But the awareness we bring — as you described — is what is important, and what we will work on in class. Thanks again for sharing a story we can ALL relate to.
To me, mindful parenting is being in the present moment with my children and calming all the million thoughts that race through my head about what I need to be doing. It’s letting go of expectations and accepting the children for who they are. It’s being kind and compassionate to those in my family, as well as myself. It’s what I’ve been striving for over the last year or two and I’m so glad to have some real guidance now.
Oh, Jane, I love what you’ve written — especially the part about letting go of expectations! It’s like once we’re able to ditch the script of how we think it all should go, we find enormous freedom!
It means never saying, “let me just . . . “.
Honey, I know I’m with you here on the swings, but “let me just” make this call or “let me just” text this person back.
Mindfulness Parenting to me means when I’m with her, I’m with her authentically . . .and if work or any other distraction creeps in, I acknowledge it and shelve it because I know I will give it the attention it deserves later.
So great, Tina…. it’s so easy to fall into the “let me just…”s In fact, you’ve given me a new phrase to be watching for — thanks!
Love this one! Realized how much I say and do this when I shouldn’t! Let me just be mindful and aware….
I can relate to a lot of what several if you have already said! For me mindful parenting is about being fully available to my daughter, whatever the situation, particularly at times when she is having tantrums and meltdowns. In such situations I often find myself reacting in a way that is unhelpful… Like ignoring(which makes her worse) or judging and trying to reason. Then I have a go at myself and we both feel bad… So not helpful. On days when I can stay with it, it always feels much better… Mindful parenting also means being fully present in play with my daughter. Having recently noticed that I am often distracted by phone calls and emails whilst playing with her and her clear disappointment, I want to be able to give her my full attention rather than part of it and remain present and available to her.
This is wonderful Kelly — it’s about being present when it’s wonderful and when it’s okay and when it’s hard and crazy!
Mindful parenting for me is about being integrated and patient. I run at warp speed by nature and sometimes I have to stop or slow down and follow my children’s pace. I need to give them my full attention and join with them in their moments. I am the adult and I have to model and be what I ask of them, which in terms of brain development should be much easier for me. I know I don’t always do this but I find that with regular meditation practice my clarity and pacing in parenting and other aspects of life are so much more regulated. I read this article this week and it summed a lot of our thoughts here. http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/learning-to-hold-space-for-my-baby/
Thanks for sharing the link — I love the phrase “holding space.” That’s really what we’re doing — holding space for the beauty and the frustration and the joy and the downright irritating of parenting!
For me, mindful parenting is about being present, peaceful and playful. I remember reading this in Shawn Fink’s book and it struck me immediately. This is the sort of Mum that I want to be.
I love Shawn Fink’s work — and that’s such a simple phrase to remember. Thanks for sharing it, Mary!
Honestly, right now, mindful parenting for me is making this first step to recognizing that I’m not on the path I want to be on. I can go a day or two of being present, then I have a bad day, lose it on my girls, feel guilty, and the next day realize I have to start anew. Like Sarah said, it is a life long “practice” that I’m just now realizing I need in our lives. Sooooo, here’s to another day of starting anew!
YES — EVERY day is a chance to start anew! Sometimes I just tell myself, “Today was hard. Tomorrow is a new day.” In our fourth week we’ll talk about “rupture and repair,” because we WILL lose it again… because we’re human. Often the real growth happens during “repair.”
So, I was going to start reading everyone’s comments before I commented, but I stopped myself and reminded myself of the question.
What does Mindful parenting mean to me?
I am a Native American woman, born and raised on the reservation in Oneida, Wisconsin. I practice my traditions and follow my ways that have been adapted to current times of course. So, it may seem like I should be the stereotypical “Indian” woman walking with nature and loving all creatures and when I sing the animals listen, but let’s be honest that is not reality. I also will squish a spider if I see it in my room or my kids’ room! :/
I am a mom in a crazy, hectic, wonderful, beautiful world. Mindful parenting to me is finding balance in life. Finding a way to exist in this world with so much diversity, while still practicing my traditions and following my teachings and being able to teach my children how to do the same.
Mindful parenting to me means enjoying and being present in every single moment that I experience with my children, good or bad. All moments with them are precious. I must accept all of them and improve my ability to be fully present (not a super women multi tasker, which I am).
Mindful parenting means everything that everyone has written so far – and I love the idea of ‘holding space’ for our children and also for ourselves. It is so hard when the inbox is constantly full (and ever growing) and always with us. It takes effort to come back to the present moment and hold that space. Now there’s a post-it on our computer – breathe in, breathe out. And I’m getting better at noticing it and getting back to now, and remembering that I don’t need to do this research or writing now, but I do need to connect with my youngest again, now. With kindness, and with awareness of any judgement that pops up, and listen with all my attention – and ask questions that will allow him to tell me more. Thank you all for sharing your experiences
Thanks everyone for all your comments. It is hard not to be repetitive. For me Mindfullness parentingi is giving your child your full attention with no judgment,create a space where they will feel comfortable to open to us. As we know, it is not easy but when i get there sometimes, I can feel the peace and the joy in this magic moment.