“Possessing five factors, speech is well spoken, not badly spoken; it is blameless and beyond reproach by the wise. What five? It is spoken at the proper time; what is said is true; it is spoken gently; what is said is beneficial; it is spoken with a mind of lovingkindness.”
Buddha
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Nonviolent communication (NVC) “is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions…. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening — to ourselves as well as to others — NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.”
Marshall Rosenberg, Founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication
The late Marshall Rosenberg developed nonviolent communication (NVC) as a method to cultivate compassion and healing. He described it as nonviolent in the way that Gandhi spoke of nonviolence — “to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.” Rosenberg won many international awards for his work, and taught NVC principles in such varied settings as classrooms, hospitals, and prisons, and even to Middle East peace negotiators!
And if it can work for Middle East peace negotiators, I think it has a chance to work for parents, too! ?
Nonviolent communication is based on the premise that everything we say and do is a way to fulfill a fundamental human need. These basic human needs include connection, meaning, play, honesty, autonomy, physical well-being, and peace. (You can find a more detailed list on the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website). NVC recognizes that, at the most basic level, as human beings we all want the same things.
I believe NVC has an important role as part of a mindfulness practice, and certainly in our parenting practice. It teaches us to see our common humanity, rather than the things that divide us. It teaches us to truly pay attention to the feelings and needs of others — and ourselves. It allows us to connect with others with empathy, and to jointly create solutions to problems, rather than trying to “win” arguments or force compliance. And isn’t that what we really want when it comes to disciplining and teaching our children?
And, as you will see, mindfulness provides the foundation for applying the nonviolent communication process.
There are four components to nonviolent communication (described here with examples that pertain to parenting):
1. Observations
This is where our mindfulness practice comes in so handy! When we are communicating and interacting with our children, can we observe the conversation just as a video camera would? This is essential to creating a shared reality with our children. We want to make statements that are observations, not judgments. For example, “You are inconsiderate and mean” is a judgment. “You just took your brother’s coloring sheet and ripped it up” is an observation. And consider how differently the conversation will proceed when you use the latter statement!
By focusing on observations, it’s more likely that our children will engage with us and not jump to immediately being defensive. Our observation puts it on them to take a look at the situation and determine what might need to be done next (so we’re helping them develop their internal compass, rather than skipping over the ‘teachable moment.’) And it is much more likely to encourage conversation!
In a way, this is about avoiding some of the mind traps we talked about last week. We probably want to avoid words like never and always, because they get us away from discussing the matter at hand, and are likely to trigger defensive reactions in our children.
2. Feelings
After we’ve made an observation about our child’s behavior, we can share how we are feeling. We want to be careful to identify a genuine feeling (an inner experience) as opposed to an interpretation of their actions. For example, “I feel sad when you tell me I’m the worst mommy in the world” is our feeling; “I feel that you don’t care about me” is an interpretation of the other person’s feelings.
NVC also involves taking responsibility for our feelings. We are feeling something because of our own needs (see below), and not because of our children. You can find a pretty extensive list here of different feelings (organized into two categories — how we feel when our needs are met, and how we feel when our needs are not met). In this way, we are owning our feelings, and not putting it on our children that they are responsible for our feelings (see below).
3. Needs
In this next step, we go a bit deeper. We explore what needs (met or unmet) are causing this feeling. In the example I have been using, maybe it is our need forconnection. We need to feel that we matter or are connected to our child, and when they tell us we’re the worst mommy in the world, that need is not met.
Or we can help our children understand another person’s needs. If a child has torn up their brother’s coloring sheet, how does their brother feel? Perhaps he feels sad. Or angry. He has a need to feel valued, and to have his work appreciated.
If we can express feelings to our children in this way, we tap into our shared humanity. Our child also has needs for love and mattering and appreciation, and can likely now empathize with how we feel or how their brother feels, for she has likely felt the same way at some point. We have now connected with them on a fundamentally human level. And once we’ve dropped below the initial cause of our friction, we can explore, together, alternative strategies for meeting this need.
{These practices might obviously need to be adapted based on the age of your child. Ultimately, I think working on NVC principles ourselves is the most important part.}
4. Requests
Now we can make a request, understanding that a request is not a demand. With a request, we must accept that the the answer might be “no.”
A request should be specific (“Would you be willing to arrive on time to our next meeting?” “Can you let your brother color and hang the pictures on the refrigerator?”) as opposed to vague (“I want you to be more considerate,” “You need to be nicer to your brother.”) It should focus on what your child should DO (e.g., color with their brother, find a different activity) as opposed to what they shouldn’t do (e.g., “don’t rip up the paper.”)
If your child says no, it means there is a need of theirs that is not being met by agreeing to our request. We may need more information. We may need to do a little guess work here, or just straight-up ask, “Is there something that’s preventing you from [doing XYZ]?” The spirit of nonviolent communication is that we shift from making demands to jointly creating a solution that honors everyone’s needs.
Obviously, in the case of parenting, there are non-negotiables — we can’t honor a “need” to run across a busy street or punch a sibling in the stomach. But the point of NVC is that the true need is very different — a need to run off some energy or to be listened to. We’ll explore more strategies related to this in other lessons this week.
I strongly encourage you to “test” this technique in the upcoming days, perhaps in an interaction with your spouse or a colleague first. Bring your mindful awareness to the act of conversation, paying attention to your feelings and needs. Pay attention to your words — are you making observations or judgments? Are you demanding or requesting?
Many of these suggestions above are probably not “revolutionary.” They’re probably all things you’ve heard before. The thing to ask yourself is, “Do I do them?”
Bruce Lee once said,
“Under duress, we don’t rise to our expectations, we fall to our level of training.”
With everything we’ve learned in this course — paying attention, responding but not reacting, cultivating emotional awareness — we must practice and train. We do it when it’s easy, when the house is quiet or when it’s a small disagreement with a friend, so that when we are under duress, we can rise to our expectations, act with compassion and dignity, and parent with intention and awareness.