[progressally_objectives]
“How many times do our children seem to be caught up in spells of their own, captivated by energies that carry them away, turned suddenly into demons, witches, trolls, ogres, and imps? Can we as parents in those moments … see past the surface appearance, at which a part of us may recoil, to the true being behind the spell? Can we make room in ourselves to love them as they are without having them have to change to please us?”
Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn, Everyday Blessings
That is truly the challenge of compassionate parenting, isn’t it? Because the moments when our children most need our empathetic presence are the moments when their behavior is least likely to evoke it in us! It’s when they turn into the ogre that we need to somehow channel our inner fairy godmother!
I think one way we can cultivate this is by practicing lovingkindness for our children (as explained in the video below). It may seem silly to have to “practice” this, but it’s really about seeing our children for who they truly are. They’re not their tantrums, they’re not the big emotions their little bodies are struggling to process. That little ogre is the same little angel you tucked into bed last night. ?
Video: Lovingkindness and Compassion for Our Children
Reframing
As I discussed in the video above, a powerful way to cultivate compassion and be a “calm mama” is to practice reframing. Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn write that “each moment is truly an opportunity for growth,” for there are “an infinite number of possiblenext moments depending on how this one is seen and held” (emphasis added).
So we continue to practice our awareness of our thoughts and our stories. How are we interpreting this event? Are we being objective and nonjudgmental? Can we see thatwe have the power to transform the next moment based on how we interpret this one?
Frequently, we get locked into one way of seeing things; as the Kabat-Zinns tell us, we’re “conditioned by views and feelings that are frequently unexamined.”
So let’s examine them! Click here to download a list of journaling prompts that help you reflect on those possibly-ignored views and feelings.
I encourage you this week to pay attention to the stories and descriptions in your head about your child’s behavior. How you perceive your child’s behavior will inform your response to it, whether you realize it or not. Educator Parker Palmer says that “the way we diagnose a student’s condition impacts the remedy we offer.” If we diagnose our child as willful and stubborn, how will we respond? If we diagnose her as hungry and tired, how will we respond?
This is the powerful groundwork for our final week, No-Drama Mama.