[progressally_objectives]
A Chinese farmer buys a horse, which soon runs away. A neighbor says, “That’s bad news.”
The farmer replies, “Good news, bad news, who can say?”
The next day, the horse returns, accompanied by three wild horses. His neighbor remarks on his good fortune.
“Good news, bad news, who can say?” is the farmer’s reply.
The farmer’s son works to tame the three new horses, and is thrown from one and badly breaks his leg.
“I’m so sorry for your bad news,” says the concerned neighbor.
“Good news, bad news, who can say?” the farmer once again replies.
The next week, the emperor’s men come and take every able-bodied young man to fight in a war. The farmer’s injured son is spared.
When the neighbor expresses joy at his good fortune, the farmer, of course, asks him, “Good news, bad news, who can say?”
Taoist parable
Thousands of years of eastern wisdom, and a little over one hundred years of western psychotherapy are now telling us much the same thing — with our mind, we make our world. Stoic philosopher, and Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius wrote, “The whole universe is change and life itself is but what you deem it.”
His Stoic contemporary Epictetus agreed: “Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well.”
In the previous lesson we reviewed the mindsets and patterns of thinking that can keep us trapped in stress. Now we’re looking at the habits of mind that promote well-being and resilience. As you become more mindful of your thoughts, you can begin to “catch” the unhelpful thought loops and develop more skillful mental habits.
Download the funsheet here to do some deep thinking and reflecting on the following…
Healthy Habits of Mind
1. A sense of meaning. Having a lot to do each day can be overwhelming when we don’t see, or even know, the purpose behind it. Research tells us that people who are stress-hardy have a sense of meaning in their lives. They know their gifts and they share them with the world. Brene Brown encourages all of us to dig deep and find our talents and passions, the things that make us feel alive. To do that, we need to overcome some of the mind traps we reviewed in the last lesson, specifically self-doubt and “supposed to.” Spend some time thinking about your “have to”s and “supposed to”s. What are your desires?
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Howard Thurman
Do you have a personal mission statement? A list of the values and ideals that are meaningful to you? A proclamation of what you are here to do? I strongly encourage you to reflect on this! When we know that paying bills and cooking meals and making beds and wiping noses and filing reports at work are all done in service to our larger purpose — to care for our family or to make a difference at work, for example — they take on greater meaning. We can transform our relationship to the activities that fill our days.
2. Reframing. In cognitive psychology, patients are taught to identify their patterns of thought, and often learn how to reframe them. In any moment of our day, we have a choice about how we are going to perceive an event — is it threatening, or is it something we can learn from? Like the farmer in the parable above, we learn quickly that fortunes change, and “good” and “bad” are relative terms.
3. The Serenity Prayer. I can’t tell you how many times a day I ask myself, “What can I control?” If I realize I’m stressing out about something I have no control over (for example, someone else’s behavior), I let it go. If I realize I’m stressing over something that I have the power to change, I can use my mindful pause to respond to the situation, and consider alternatives. A sense of autonomy is important to our well-being, and the more we cultivate our mindful awareness, the better we’ll become at discerning which situations we can control, and which ones we cannot.
4. A growth mindset. Carol Dweck’s research on mindset is fascinating. Essentially, her research tells us if we believe we can improve, then we can improve! (Obviously, there are limits to this — no matter how hard I try, I’m not likely to run a 3-minute mile). But I can get faster and stronger. In the previous lesson I shared the words we should watch out for. Now, I’m giving you a powerful word to add — “YET.” Such a tiny but oh-so-helpful word! “I’m not very good at this… YET.” “I haven’t been able to meditate for 20 minutes a day … YET.” People who are stress-hardy know that setbacks are learning opportunities. They know setbacks provide valuable feedback. And they know that if they haven’t done something, it’s because they haven’t done it YET.
5. Expect stress. Studies show that people who are taught that stress is a normal part of life are actually less stressed than control groups who don’t receive that message. When we know stress is going to show up, we learn to live in wise relationship with it. We don’t fight it. We don’t try to suppress it. We find stillness in the midst of the stress. (See the guided meditation below for an exercise in practicing this!)
6. Explanatory style. Chade-Meng Tan writes, “What distinguishes successful people is their attitude toward failure, and specifically, how they explain their own failures to themselves.” Do you see setbacks as temporary, or do you assume they mean you are helpless to change? Do you see setbacks in the larger context of their circumstances, or do you conclude that they reveal something innate about you? Do you see failure as something to be overcome by effort and education, or as a sign that you should just give up?
A recent study asked college freshmen what they would do if they received a poor grade on their first college paper. The students whose responses indicated a growth mindset and a skillful explanatory style (“I’d go talk to my professor to learn what I could do better,” “I’d get help from a tutor,” etc.) were far more likely to successfully complete their year, and earned better grades, than those who internalized their failure (“I’d probably think about dropping out,” “I’d quit the class,” “I guess it means I’m not a good writer,” etc.) In fact, how they responded to this question was a better predictor of their first-year college performance than SAT scores! Our explanatory style matters!
The Buddha said, “What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.”
An African proverb says, “We cannot change the wind, but we can adjust our sails.”
So much of our stress and anxiety is literally “in our heads.” Download the funsheet here to reflect on your thought patterns, explore how you can cultivate healthy habits of mind, and craft your personal mission statement!
There’s also a new guided meditation for you on dealing with stress. You can click here to listen.