[progressally_objectives]
“For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Shakespeare, Hamlet
The previous lesson on stress focused on identifying what stress is and how we can more carefully identify the things that trigger our experiences of stress. We began this work in week three as we started tracking our positive and negative experiences.
In this lesson we will explore our responses to stress. Before we do that, I want you to download and complete the questions in this funsheet.
You already have ways of coping with stress right now. Some of them are likely helpful and skillful, and others could probably be labeled “maladaptive.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn identifies several ways that we often respond to stress that are maladaptive. These are some of the ones that he identifies:
- Suppression. We don’t allow the stress to manifest. Perhaps we tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel stressed, other people have it so much harder than I do.” We don’t talk about the stress, or the anger, or the sadness. We internalize it. I probably don’t have to belabor the point of how this isn’t very helpful, but the key thing is that when an emotion is suppressed or internalized, it’s never released. Compare this to animals in the wild – when they have a stress response, they recognize it, and act on it immediately. Then they quickly return to a calm baseline. When we acknowledge our stress, we can activate our calming, parasympathetic nervous system to resolve the stress, not suppress it.
- Denial. We pretend it’s not there. “I’m not stressed, I’m just [tired, busy, highly-driven, etc.].” Remember the equation from the previous lesson – awareness of our discomfort will alleviate its intensity.
- Avoidance. We distract ourselves from it. This may show up as workaholism, or spending excessive time on social media, or doing lots of “things” to keep ourselves busy. It’s finding ways to distract ourselves … from ourselves. This is why meditation — particularly extended retreats — can be so powerful. It removes all the distractions!
- Chemicals and food. We may eat, or drink, or medicate our stress. While once in a while this can help, I also probably don’t need to explain how these can be problematic, too. Jon Kabat-Zinn argues that these chemicals only treat the symptoms, and not the underlying causes, of our stress.
Many of these maladaptive coping strategies are “addictive,” certainly so in the case of alcohol or chemicals. We may find temporary relief in distracting ourselves with Facebook, or pretending a problem doesn’t exist. We’re then likely to repeat that behavior in the future because it made us feel a little better. And that’s how habits are born!
The exercises in these lessons are helping you identify your patterns (triggers and responses) so you can find more effective ways to deal with “the full catastrophe.”
Healthy Ways to Cope With Stress
- Breathe. Count to 10 – the act of counting helps take you out of the stress cycle. And the breathing, well, you know by now why that’s good for you!
- Gain perspective. Look at the whole context – how big is this stressor really? How much will this matter tomorrow, or even in an hour? If someone else has upset you, can you try to see things from their perspective? I try to remind myself that we are all doing the best we can, with the resources we have available. I try to presume positive intentions, realizing that we all generally act in ways that we think will make us happy.
- Practice retroactively. As explained in the previous video, take time to mentally rehearse situations in which you were triggered, and identify how you could have responded after a mindful pause.
- Build the muscle of mindfulness. You may not see the stress-reduction benefits of mindfulness after a single session. But keep it up over time, and you will build your resiliency!
- Finally, recognize that sometimes, denial or distraction IS the best available option! One of my mindfulness teachers tells us that “not now” is ALWAYS an acceptable option for dealing with an overwhelming emotion. Standing in line at Target probably isn’t the best time to investigate all the reasons why your child’s whining triggers your anger. Recognizing “anger is here,” taking a deep breath, and then tending to your child and packing up your groceries is still a skillful response! This isn’t ignoring or suppressing the pain, it’s simply a recognition that you are not ready to process this emotion on a deeper level. And that’s okay.
Take a moment to return to your list of the ways you commonly respond to stress. Which ones are helpful, and which ones are possibly maladaptive? What tools or skills can you add to your available resources?
{You can get some ideas for self-care in my recent post that lists 30 simple self-care practices}.
I’d love to hear the things that work for you when you feel overwhelmed, and I’m certain others would too! Feel free to share your thoughts in the Facebook group!