“Possessing five factors, speech is well spoken, not badly spoken; it is blameless and beyond reproach by the wise. What five? It is spoken at the proper time; what is said is true; it is spoken gently; what is said is beneficial; it is spoken with a mind of lovingkindness.”
Buddha
As we’ve delved into the causes of our stress and anxiety, we’ve left out an important variable — other people! As humans, we are social beings. It’s essential that we bond with others in order to survive. It doesn’t mean we always have to get along with people or never experience conflict, but I’m sure we all aspire to live in harmony with our family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.
And that may be easier said than done (just like mindfulness!)
In this lesson, and the next one (it’s a big topic!), we are exploring mindfulness with others; specifically, how we can communicate effectively and mindfully with other people.
Why communication? Well, pretty much every interaction we have with others is a form of communication — verbal or nonverbal. In fact, the word “communication” derives from the Latin “communicare,” which means “to make common.” Communication is how we take our inner experiences (thoughts, desires, emotions) and make them understandable (common) to another person.
For something to be made common, it requires interaction. It requires speaking and listening and receiving and understanding. We can be much more effective in our communication with others when we approach it with mindful awareness.
There are several ways we can bring mindfulness to our interactions with others:
- Be open: If you can, it’s helpful to take a deep breath before a conversation. It allows you to connect briefly with your anchor, and return to a “beginner’s mind.” Don’t assume you know what the person is going to say even before they’ve said it! So that means we…
- Truly listen: You can probably think of conversations you’ve had when you haven’t been fully present, and you likely know what it’s like to be talking to someone who you can tell is clearly distracted. John Tarrant says that “attention is the most basic form of love.” We can show compassion and love for another person by simply listening.
- Make eye contact: This is probably an obvious one, but we all want to be heard and seen.
- Practice nonjudgment: Notice if you have a reaction to anything the other person says. Notice your tendency to like or dislike what they’re saying, or if you are becoming defensive. Elisha Goldstein and Bob Stahl remind us to imagine someone’s comment as “just one perspective — one slice on a pie chart, not the entire circle. Imagine filling in that pie with other perspectives, each holding equal value.”
- Seek clarification: If you do notice unpleasant reactions, or you are not sure why someone has said something, inquire further before responding. Understand their intention for speaking — are they asking for advice? do they just need to vent? do they need something from you?
- Practice lovingkindness: In dealing with difficult people, it may be helpful to silently repeat your lovingkindness phrases.
- THINK: I got this acronym from a poster at my daughter’s school! Before you speak, ask yourself, are your words
- True?
- Helpful?
- Inspiring?
- Necessary?
- Kind?
Joseph Goldstein, in his book Mindfulness, writes that practicing “right speech”“cultivates abstinence from unwholesome mind states; gives expression to the beautiful motivations of lovingkindness, compassion, and altruistic joy; and, most importantly, aligns us with what is true.”
And who doesn’t want that?
Assignment: Set an intention for the next few days to pay attention to your speech and your conversation habits. What is the motivation/intention behind your words? Can you THINK before you speak? Do you tend to let your mind wander during conversations? Do you make eye contact? Do you truly listen, or do you try to formulate a response to what someone is saying before they’ve finished saying it?
We’re not aiming for perfection in our speech — we’re aspiring toward greater awareness. Just see what you notice, and feel free to share any insights in the Facebook group.